Why boundaries are important for children’s well-being?

“He just knows how to push my buttons!”, “I swear, this child just keeps testing me!” Do these phrases sound familiar or resonate with how you sometimes (or very frequently) feel in the relationship with your child? It might not be news to you that children test the boundaries we set in place for them. Today, it is popular to talk about providing children with freedom: freedom to explore, freedom to decide, freedom to express emotions. However, we should be careful about creating an environment without boundaries. Under the guise of arguments about freedom, we are actually withdrawing ourselves and depriving our children of our wisdom, experience and close guidance.

Children need boundaries because they guide their behavior, by letting them know what is ok to do and what is not, and how they should behave in different situations. By creating boundaries, we are providing our children with the safety they need in order to explore their environment and keep learning. In addition, having clear boundaries is essential for the development of a healthy self-esteem: not having boundaries sets the ground for development of a self-centered personality and view of others as instruments for getting one’s needs met. Finally, setting limits eliminates or at least greatly reduces conflict, arguments and back-talk. Children may still try to push the limits but less so because boundaries are like consequences: once they are set and clearly enforced, children realize the inevitability and will engage less in arguments. Thus, boundaries are an important way of showing kids your love and care by creating a safe environment for them and are one of the most important aspects of parenting.

When parents do not provide clear boundaries or allow their children to control what happens in their lives, children are left with the immense responsibility of making the decisions, something they are not yet equipped to do. This generates feelings of anxiety and insecurity and hinders children’s development. Furthermore, if parents won’t create boundaries, children will need to discover them themselves, via trial and error. This may be a costly and oftentimes dangerous way of exploration.

Creating boundaries is not easy because you will need to overcome child’s unhappiness and defiance, yet it is absolutely necessary. It might feel frustrating and inconvenient at a times, but pushing boundaries is an important part of growing up, becoming more independent, defending one’s point of view on the road towards the time when they will be able to think for themselves and make their own decisions. Kids need to flex their boundary-pushing muscles right now by disagreeing with you or objecting to your requests, so they can practice independent thinking and develop the capacity to make their own decisions.

Your job as a parent thus, is not forcing your decisions on your children, but allowing them to question and test your rules without becoming angry or defiant, while knowing that ultimately you are the one in charge. In other words, just because kids tend to test our boundaries, does not mean we should give up on creating them. Children test the limits because they want to find out what is allowed and what is not, and how to behave in different situations. Yet, children need the security of knowing that there is someone wiser and stronger in charge who is taking care of them and keeping them safe.

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